Jealousy

Jealousy stinks.  I find too often I let it control my life.  For instance, I've always been jealous of this one girl I used to be good friends with since like second grade.  I think it all stemmed from this time when a boy that I really liked (and who I was under the impression liked me back) ended up asking her to be his girlfriend after I introduced them.  And she of course said yes because when you're a 15 year old girl, you swoon over any guy who shows interest in you.  It was kind of a crappy thing for your friend to do to you, but whatever.  It was over a decade ago and the guy, who I later dated, turned out to be a complete jerk.

Anyways, I've convinced myself that that's the reason why I've always been jealous of her.  Because one day 12 years ago some dude thought she was better than me.  And for some reason I've always tortured myself by comparing myself to her.  It's dumb, I know.  Especially since we don't even talk anymore.  But the other day I saw on facebook that she's pregnant.  And I honestly was happy for her because being a mom is pretty amazing, and I know her and her husband are going to be wonderful parents.  But in full disclosure, the first thing that popped in my head was, "I bet she'll go back to being a size two the second that baby pops out."  I asked my husband if he thought I was crazy for thinking this, to which his reply was no.  I'll trust him on that one.

Then there's my cousin Chrissy who I've always thought was the prettiest girl ever since I was little.  We grew up together and she's four years older than me so I always got to have her awesome clothes when she didn't want them anymore.  She is my best friend and I love her to death, but she has always been thin and it makes me want to puke.  Seriously, this girl eats whatever she wants and when she puts on weight it only really goes to her already humungous boobs.  Her legs are to die for- she's one of those girls who actually look good in skinny jeans.  When I was pregnant we'd go shopping together and she was complaining about how she was "so fat" and needed to by a size bigger shorts or something.  I wanted to punch her.  I'm standing in Marshalls with a beach ball for a belly and my swollen cankles thinking I'd die to be as skinny as she is.  If she wasn't my cousin/best friend I'd probably hate her for being so beautiful.

It's oddly therapeutic putting it out there that I am such an insecure person.  I wish I could be more like my best friend Emily.  She is one of the most confident people I know.  When she goes on a date her fear isn't "Is he gonna like me?", it's "I hope he's as cute as his facebook picture or I'm out."  I'm laughing out loud right now just typing it.  Emily is one of those people who knows what she wants and goes for it.  She also knows she's hot shit and deserves a guy who treats her like gold.  Some may say she's "picky", but I think it's just that she's confident and respects herself enough to not settle for a guy who isn't good enough.  When she dresses up she owns it, she walks with the girl equivalent of a swagger.  She can talk to any guy and know that she has the upper hand.  And I have NEVER heard her say she was jealous of anybody.  Cause even if she is, she's not going to say it out loud and let it make her feel insecure.

So far I've made myself out to sound like I have no self-esteem whatsoever.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I know that I have what most people don't have and would kill for.  I have an amazing, loving, smart, funny, handsome (can't leave that one out!) husband.  I know I hit the jackpot with this one.  My friends tell me all the time that they're "jealous" that I have such a great guy.  I wish all my friends could be so lucky.  And of course I can't leave out my amazing little man, my son Killian.  I mean seriously, he's the cutest baby in the world, and he's pretty much been one of the easiest babies.  He started sleeping through the night at like 2 months and only ever fusses when he's sick.  Best baby ever.  I bet there's some moms I know who are totally jealous!

Maybe now that I've actually spoken out loud about my inner jealousy, I can finally let go of some of my insecurities.  I have a lot to be proud of (I'm going to be a doctor for crying out loud!), and a husband and baby I can literally brag about to my friends.  When it comes down to it, there's not a whole lot for me to jealous about other people for- except maybe that size two body, but I'm working on getting back to that!