Being a parent turns you into a complete psychotic person. You are in a constant state of anxiety and fear, always worried about the safety and well-being of your child. When Killian was first born I wouldn't even let anyone in the same room as him if they hadn't washed their hands and sanitized. I had an internal freak-out just watching someone else hold him. I got up a minimum of twelve times a night to check on him and hold my hand on his belly making sure he was still breathing. We tried to do everything perfect to make sure nothing bad happened to him. We put him to sleep on his back, I breastfed for 6 months, we baby-proofed the crap out of our place. But the scary part about it is that no matter what you do to protect your child, there are some things you have no control over. There's no way to prepare you for your child having cancer, or developing a condition that requires immediate surgery for the first time. You are so helpless, and the only thing you can do is love and care for them.
I think being med student/almost doctor makes it even harder because I know all the horrible things that could happen to a child. I'd much rather be ignorant to the situation and hope for the best, but now I always think the worst. As if I wasn't already anxious enough, then I had to go and have a baby. And I'm sure it doesn't get any easier as he gets older. For now I'm just going to do my best to keep him as healthy and safe as possible and deal with whatever else may come our way in the future. 
You really struck at the heart of the dilemma we face as parents, spouses, friends, children, AND doctors or doctors-to-be, Maria. A buddy of mine who's a practicing physician and I talked about this at length when both our fathers were ill. On the one hand, knowing medicine (somewhat) gives us a sense of control because at least we're not hearing someone talk about our loved ones in a foreign language! At the same time, and this is what makes it all worse, we know what really CAN happen.
ReplyDeleteIgnorance brings with it a certain bliss, don't you think? But my friend and I agreed on one thing, we'd rather be in the position of knowing our enemy than not, because this way when we hear a rumble coming down the street, our experience and training has taught us whether to run for our lives or simply step back onto the sidewalk. :-)