Board Hell

So now that the holiday weekend is over I have no more excuses left to not start studying for boards.  I think they should add a new diagnosis to the DSM: Boards PTSD.  Basically, I'm having horrible flashbacks from last time I had to study for my step 1 exams.  I remember sitting at my desk in my little two bedroom house in Kennebunkport secluded from society and eating nothing but pretzels and cherries (don't ask me why).  I would wake up at 7 am everyday, shower right away, have breakfast, and then bunker down with my mountains of study books and try to tackle a different organ system everyday.  I even had it scheduled down to the hour: "8-10am Cardiovascular physiology, 10-12 Cardiovascular pathology, 12-12:30 lunch, 12:30-4 practice questions, 5-6 bang head against wall".  It was quite daunting.

Now I wasn't the best studier (is that a word??).  I checked facebook maybe every 15 minutes to break up the monotony.  I kept getting up for a glass of water or a snack.  My friend Andie and I made several trips to the ice cream stand because "we so deserved it".   I must have some adult form of ADD or maybe my OCD is so bad that it interferes with my studying.  Seriously, when I was a kid and was taking notes in class, if I messed up at all I couldn't just scribble it out, I'd have to re-write my whole page of notes.  And I had like 8 different colored pens to keep certain things organized on the page.  I'm not nearly as freakish now, but I think when I had to study for my last boards that I was so obsessed with the organization of studying that I didn't actually study as well as I could have.

Well I sat down to make up my study schedule tonight and I realized I was trying to do the same thing I did last time.  So instead of writing up a whole month's worth of scheduling, hour by hour, I just wrote out a few things I'd like to accomplish tomorrow and the next day.  And then we'll see how it goes from there.  I have two months to study for my exam, which is A LOT OF TIME.  I saw this quote online from a website called medschoolhell.com that said something like, "Take two months to study for step 1, 2 weeks for step 2, and all you need is a number 2 pencil for step 3".  The rumor is that they get easier as you go along.  I guess "easy" for an average student without a husband and a 10-month old, who isn't taking the exam a year later than they should have.

Seriously,  there should be a handbook for stuff like this.  And I don't mean "First AID for the USMLE Step 2".  I'm looking for a book titled "How to not go insane if you get married and have a baby while in medical school."  I specifically need to read the chapter on how to study efficiently with an adorable little baby boy who wants your attention all day.  And another on how not to feel guilty about spending your time studying.  Come on, look at how cute this little guy is!  How could you not want to spend every waking second smothering him in kisses?

How Not to Be a Crappy Patient

I recently read an article online about 10 things you shouldn't do at the doctor's office.  I always like reading articles like these, particularly because they're usually written by someone who's not a physician.  Therefore, how can they really know what they should or shouldn't do as a patient.  So I am writing my own list of things not to do at the doctor's and retitling it "How not to be a crappy patient."

1.  Turn of your cell phone- This is one suggestion that I stole from the other list.  There's nothing more annoying than being in the room with a patient who's on the phone or texting.  Your time as a physician is already crunched enough as it is.  We don't have time to wait for you to finish talking to your bff or grandma or whoever.  If your'e at the doctor's office (or the ER for that matter) then it surely must be more important than that business call you feel the need to take.  And I'm sure you can wait to text your buddy till after I'm done with your PAP smear.

2.  Stop trying to diagnose yourself on the internet-  There's nothing more annoying than asking your patient what brings them in today and they reply with, "So I checked webMD and I think I have _____ (insert ridiculous diagnosis here)."  The trouble herein lies in the fact that medicine is not as straightforward as some of you might think.  You can't just say, "My symptoms are X, Y, Z, therefore I have 'this'".  Most conditions or diseases are so varying from patient to patient.  If I look up any disease in one of my 40 pound textbooks it'll read: "Patient may have fever.  There is sometimes shortness of breath with or without cough.  Some patients experience diarrhea."  You see, it's not very straightforward.  And most of the time your patient just has something simple like a viral illness, but if webMD lists Typhoid fever or Necrotizing Fasciitis (deadly skin infection) as a possible diagnosis, then good luck convincing them otherwise.  Which brings me to my next point....

3.  Don't expect a quick fix-  The other article I read listed "Not being upfront with your expectations" as one of the 10 things not to do.  I shall elaborate by telling you not to have unreasonable expectations.  Going to the doctor expecting to get a prescription every time is not realistic and not the best way to practice medicine.  There is not a pill for everything and most of the time the side effects may just be worse than the illness.  If your doctor tells you that you don't need a prescription that's a GOOD THING.  Most colds or stomach bugs are viral infections and don't need an antibiotic.  Most musculoskeletal pain will go away on it's own with a little rest, stretching, and maybe some heat or ice.  Trust me, your body is made to heal itself.  All it needs is some time.

4.  Be honest-  In order to get everything out of your doctor's appointment and get the proper treatment you need, you have to be honest with your physician.  If you've acquired hepatitis from IV drug use, then don't lie and say it was from a blood transfusion (of which you have no documentation ever having).  Perhaps the worse piece of advice I ever heard was an elderly relative of mine telling me that her friend told her that if she has stroke symptoms and goes to the ER to tell them she started experiencing them less than a half hour ago so that she could still get the "magic drug" that fixes strokes. First of all, there is no magic drug.  What she's referring to is tPA, a clot-busting medication.  The problem is that there are some very serious side effects, in particular it can cause brain-bleeds and death. The reason her "friend" (with no medical background) told her this is because there's a 90 minute time window in which doctor's should use the tPA.  For future reference, don't lie about ANY of your symptoms and when they happened (or what you were doing when they happened).

5.  Write things down-  I'm sure you've been told to write down questions you may have and bring them to your visit.  That's always a great idea, but I'll take it a step further.  Write things down during your visit as well.  I can't tell you how many times I've ask my relatives what their doctor advised them at their visit or what tests they were doing or what they're trying to rule out as a diagnosis and they just simply don't remember.  Don't be ignorant to your plan of care.  Take note of what your doctor is telling you, because sometimes it can be overwhelming.  But if you're in the "know" and have an idea of what's going on then you will feel more empowered as a patient and maybe not as scared too.

Well, it turns out my list is only really five things, but five pretty important things I would like to think.  I could throw in a few "no brainers" (that to some aren't really no-brainers) like: don't leave the ER to smoke if you came in complaining of chest pain or Don't try to get your girlfriend to pee in a cup in the room when no one's looking so you can use her drug-free pee.  And if my doctor/med student friends have anything else they'd like to add, please leave a comment!  I'm curious to see other's opinions on the subject.

My evolution of fitness: Mousercise to 5k

When I was little there was a show on the Disney channel called "Mousercise". I'd get up every morning, put on my very stylish leg warmers and work out with Mickey and a bunch of equally fashionable kids on the tv. My scrawny little body certainly didn't need to lose any weight, but I did it because it was so much fun. Plus when you're 7, if Mickey Mouse is doing it then it must be cool.
For those of you who weren't "hip" enough to know what mousercising is, here's a clip:

My high school cheerleading squad.
I'm in the first row on the right.

As I got older and a little too "mature" to watch the Disney Channel (ok, the show was actually canceled), I started to get my fitness on in other ways. Throughout most of middle school and high school I did cheerleading. And despite what some people think, cheerleading is a sport and kept me in great shape. I also ran track for a season, did gymnastics a bit in high school, and just generally was an active kid.

College came around and so did the dreaded freashman fifteen. I went from playing sports 10 months out of the year to being quite sedentary with a diet consisting of ramen noodles and canned tuna. And even though there was a gym at my school, I worked out a fraction of what I used to. To try and get myself back in shape I enlisted the help of Billy Blanks, Tae Bo extraordinaire. I was soon bouncing around my living room, not too different from my mousercise days, throwing jabs, right hooks, and roundhouse kicks. But instead of giant black mouse training me, it was a muscular, sweaty, black man yelling "come on, harder!" at me. To which I replied, "I'm working as hard as I can Billy Blanks!"

Skip ahead five or so years and here I am training for my first 5k. No doubt this would have been an easy feat for me in my high school days, but a decade and one baby later, I am not quite the athlete I once was.  But I think I've been doing a good job of finding some time to get in a work out here and there.  I like to go for walks with my family, and recently started running more and more (by the way, the new jogging stroller is AWESOME!).  I also found a new love: vinyasa yoga.

I guess the whole point of this is that I wish they'd bring Mousercise back. Not really, but I'd like to make my work-outs just as fun as they were 20 years ago dancing with Mickey, and I want to be able to wake up excitedly looking forward to working out like I did when I was a kid. Maybe I just need some leg warmers.........

Reflections from the Pediatric ER

So I'm nearing the end of my rotation in the Pediatric ER.  Now I have two fourth year rotations under my belt, which feels like a pretty good accomplishment.  Only a few more required selectives (specialty surgery, internal medicine, and an osteopathic manipulative medicine rotation) and a couple electives are standing between me and graduation, which is officially less than an year away.  That and my boards that I'm taking this summer.  I'm starting to feel like there is a finally light at the end of the tunnel.
Even though I've mentioned snippets here and there about cases I've had in the Pedi ER, I figured I'd reflect on some of my more memorable experiences over the past four weeks.... The scariest thing I saw was an infant in anaphylaxis brought in by ambulance.  The baby apparently had an allergic reaction to a new food.  And the mom was so amazingly calm, loving, and attentive.  The doctor told me later that he almost "pissed himself" after seeing how swollen the baby's face was.  Thankfully we got things under control with some epinephrine, benadryl, and steroids.
I saw a lot of kids in respiratory distress from asthma, bronchiolitis, or pneumonia.  One little girl in particular had the worst retractions I've ever seen.  She actually came in about 10 minutes after the anaphylactic baby and the doctor I was with was worried we were going to have to intubate them both.  We were happy to see her improve with back to back nebulizer treatments, but still admitted her to treat her pneumonia.
I helped an ENT surgeon drain a peritonsillar abscess (some nasty stuff there).  I got to reduce a few nursemaids elbows.  I mastered my suturing skills by stitching up some lacerations, splinting some broken bones, and stitching some more.  Let's not forget the myriad of foreign bodies I removed from ears - a popcorn kernel, a gem, a rolled up piece of paper, and my all time favorite: a tooth.
I think I've seen more than my fair share of head traumas.  If I learned anything it's that kids hit their head ALL THE TIME!  And 99% of the time they leave with nothing but a bump.  I only saw one occipital fracture and one blow out fracture of the orbit (but that was due to a baseball to the face).  A tip for moms: don't fight with the doctor if they recommend not getting a CT scan.  Too many kids are getting unnecessary radiation to their poor little brains.
And it wouldn't be an emergency room if you didn't have just a few not-so-smart parents every now and then.  Let's just say it's not a good idea to leave your bag of pills you bought off the street out where your two your old can eat it thinking it's candy.  Oh, and if you're child's running around like they ate a dozen packs of fun-dip then most likely they didn't swallow a sharpie marker like they told you.
As you can see, I learned a lot the last few weeks.  Most importantly though, I learned what NOT to bring your kid to the ER for.  Here's a few examples: bug bites (that aren't causing an allergic reaction), diaper rash (that's what pediatricians are for), and a "fever" of 99 rectally (that's not a fever) with no other symptoms.
If anything I certainly gained a better understanding of how hectic it can be in the pediatric ER and how hard the doctors really work to help the kids that come in there.  I took Killian to the ER a few months ago for a horrible stomach bug he had.  I remember getting so annoyed while sitting in the waiting room for close to two hours, and then feeling silly when the doctor told us he just had gastroenteritis.  Seeing what goes on behind the scenes and knowing how crazy busy it can get, especially when there's a really sick kid to attend to, totally makes me think differently.  I think it also helped me having been in that situation to relate to the frustration and fear the parents feel coming in.
Overall, I greatly enjoyed my time there and I'm super appreciative to have had the experience.  The doctors were all excellent teachers and great physicians.  I'd certainly trust any of them with my little guy.

Dr. Mom

"Man, it must be sweet being a baby," I think as I'm watching my 10 month old wandering all around his room during his morning playtime.  The room is decimated with toys, empty bottle, sippy cup, dirty diaper, and clothes, scattered all over the floor.  He's playing with one of his favorite toys "Scout" the puppy that's singing a song, which I know by heart.  Then he quickly drops it and crawls over to another equally annoying toy.  Now he's yelling into a bucket and laughing at himself.  I'm so jealous.  I wish I could do that all day.
And even though I'm exhausted because I haven't slept more than six hours a night this week and was up all last night while my husband was with his dad in the hospital, I still can't help but smile and laugh out loud when Killian tries to blow raspberries at me and then bite my toe off.  I feel so very blessed just to be sitting here in the rocking chair in his room watching him play.  And I can truly say that I wouldn't trade where I am for anything else in the world.
Today the class I started with in med school is graduating.  And it's a little bittersweet for me because I'm happy for my friends and classmates, but I'm also a little disappointed that I still don't have the honor of being called a doctor.  But I am reminded when I look at down at my little boy about how lucky I am.  I've gotten to have so much time during his first year to be with him and watch him grow.  Hey, what's one more year when you get such a great trade off??  A year ago today I was a little over 7 months pregnant, and to think about how fast time has gone by since then....

 

Not many people have had the pleasure of being a med student and becoming a mom at the same time.  Yes, I said pleasure.  Because it truly has been.  I'm one of those people who think that everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that this precious little boy came into my life at the exact moment I needed him to.  He has made me a more patient person, a more organized person (and yet more laid back at the same time), and most importantly he has made me a better doctor.

The Anxious Mommy

It was a busy evening in the pedi ER last night.  Tons of lacerations, a bunch of asthma exacerbations, and a few pretty sick kids.  It's always hard seeing a child with something seriously wrong with them.  I had a little girl who's being treated with chemotherapy for cancer and developed a fever, which is never good.  Then a little boy who needed surgery to correct an intussusception (fancy word for when your bowel invaginates into itself).  And of course whenever you are treating kids, you can't help but think of your own. Though I kept myself composed at work, I broke down and cried on the way home.  It breaks my heart to see a child in pain or sick, especially like those two.  No kid deserves to have cancer and have to go through the nasty treatments to fix it.  And no parents should have to be worried sick about their child going into surgery at 1 in the morning.

Being a parent turns you into a complete psychotic person.  You are in a constant state of anxiety and fear, always worried about the safety and well-being of your child.  When Killian was first born I wouldn't even let anyone in the same room as him if they hadn't washed their hands and sanitized.  I had an internal freak-out just watching someone else hold him.  I got up a minimum of twelve times a night to check on him and hold my hand on his belly making sure he was still breathing.  We tried to do everything perfect to make sure nothing bad happened to him.  We put him to sleep on his back, I breastfed for 6 months, we baby-proofed the crap out of our place.   But the scary part about it is that no matter what you do to protect your child, there are some things you have no control over. There's no way to prepare you for your child having cancer, or developing a condition that requires immediate surgery for the first time.  You are so helpless, and the only thing you can do is love and care for them.

I think being med student/almost doctor makes it even harder because I know all the horrible things that could happen to a child.  I'd much rather be ignorant to the situation and hope for the best, but now I always think the worst.  As if I wasn't already anxious enough, then I had to go and have a baby.  And I'm sure it doesn't get any easier as he gets older.  For now I'm just going to do my best to keep him as healthy and safe as possible and deal with whatever else may come our way in the future.  

There's a reason they call it "Family" Practice...

As you've probably gathered from my previous posts, the biggest stressor in my life right now is navigating through medical school.  There's not a day, or a minute for that matter, that I don't worry about it.  Questions pop up in my brain constantly like, "Am I ever going to graduate?", "Am I cut out to be a doctor?", "Will I lose my sanity before I actually become a doctor?", "Have I already gone crazy?"... those kinds of things.
Well I went to the gym this morning to not only distract myself from my inner-thoughts, but to train for my upcoming 5k.  Got a good 3 miles clocked in on the treadmill, and then headed home and hopped in the shower.  And while I was lathering myself up with some Dove body wash I had a moment of clarity.  I had mentally and emotionally committed myself in that very moment to go into Family Practice. Now to the average person who was smart enough to avoid med school all together, this may seem like nothing.  But for me, it's kind of a big deal.
When I first started school I "knew" I wanted to be an anesthesiologist.  Well, after hating my surgery rotation and realizing that I'd be stuck in a cold OR with some stuck up surgeon who makes fun of you all day, I decided to change gears.  Then I really got into doing Emergency Medicine.  I love doing procedures and thought it was great that you see all kinds of things, but then I spent a month in Worcester..... And since I also hate psychiatry, and at least half of people who show up in the ER have lost their marbles, I have started to question my second choice of specialty.
From the beginning I have always said that I would never do family practice (FP).  I thought it was boring, underpaid, and unrewarding (only one of those things is really true). Then I spent six weeks during my third year doing FP with an amazingly kind physician, Dr. Doane.  By the end of my rotation, most of my preconceived notions about FP were gone.  The only downside is that I didn't get to do all the cool procedures I enjoy so much like intubation, suturing, lumbar punctures.  But I truly enjoyed having time to build a relationship with the patients and actually follow through with their care.
I think the best way to pick your specialty is to eliminate all the ones you hated rotating through- Psych was the top of my list, then surgery. I liked OB and delivering babies was awesome, but hated the surgery part of it.  Pediatrics was fun, but detrimental to my health since I got sick twice on that rotation.  And though I still enjoy emergency medicine, I just don't think it's where I want to start my career.  Probably not a good idea to get burnt out and sick of medicine in general by the end of my first year of residency.  I want to have some fulfillment with my job and come home knowing that as a doctor I am an important part of my patients' lives, not just some random person who stitched them up and sent them on their way.

Most importantly, I want to be here for my family.  I made a commitment to them first and foremost.  And although I know they will support me no matter what specialty I choose, it's not fair to them to pick one that's going to take me away from them more and burn me out and make me miserable and tired.  I am determined to be not only a good doctor, but to be an even better mother and wife.  I guess you can say I want to do it all, and I'm sure I can do it.

My motivation

Nothing gets you motivated to exercise more than new work out clothes and a new jogging stroller!  I've been looking to get a jogging stroller for a while and now that I'm officially signed up for my first 5k, it was a great time to get one.  There was no way I was paying full price for a brand new one, so I have been checking Craigslist everyday trying to find a good deal on a gently used one.  Well, I was explaining this to my dad while we were having breakfast together yesterday and a couple sitting next to us who are regulars at our restaurant offered us a great deal.  They're daughter had one that she only ever used once when she took her kid to Disney and was willing to sell it less than half what they paid.  Score!  Now if it would stop raining here....
Ever since college I've found it very hard to make time to work out, and even more so since being in med school and then having a baby.  I hate running, but I find the more I force myself to do it, the more I enjoy it.  More so the endorphin high I get afterwards.  I also love to do yoga, but my schedule the last month and  a half doesn't allow me to attend my usual classes.  I refuse to accept the fact that just because I have a career and a family that I'll never have time to workout.  So when I was at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago I decided to search for a book that could give me some inspiration.
While searching the fitness section and browsing over all these books with women on them who look like they have been a stick their wholes lives and probably could never work out a day in their lives and still look amazing, this bright pink and yellow book jumped out at me.  No skinny bitch on the cover, just the words "Hot Sweaty Mama".  I immediately grabbed it and started reading the first page.  I was hooked.  The authors talk you through this book exactly how you want to be talked to.  They don't degrade you or make you feel like crap for not having already run 10 marathons in your life.  It was refreshing.  One of the authors also has a blog, mamasweat.blogspot.com, which is what gave me idea to start my own blog.
I'm about half way through the book and already have found so much motivation.  It's all about figuring out how to not find time, but make time to work out.  I think the most important message I've gotten from it so far is that you shouldn't feel guilty taking an hour or so a day to exercise.  Most moms make the excuse that they feel bad spending time away from their kids to work out, but the truth of the matter is that you're not losing time.  If you're not healthy and happy, then you're not going to be the best mom you can be.  And ultimately in the end you're adding years to your life and will be able to have more time and make more memories with your family.
I think the most important thing to for me is that I want Killian to grow up knowing how to live a healthy lifestyle.  My husband is already pretty great at this- as you probably know from reading about his Tough Mudder race.  He works out several days a week and eats healthy.  I want my son to grow up thinking that exercising regularly is normal and that you do it not only to be healthy, but to feel good.  I just want to be a good example for him.  I mean, don't we all want more for our kids than ourselves?  I feed my little lovebug the healthiest foods: avocado, bananas, greek yogurt, watermelon, sweet potato.... I refuse to give him any of those little packaged meats (seriously, would you eat that crap?).  And despite taking the effort to feed my son healthy stuff, I still manage to sometimes feed myself junk.  I have been getter better, but I need to stop putting things in my mouth that I wouldn't feed my own kid.
Makes me wonder if I didn't have a baby, would I still be as conscientious about my health as I am today?  Probably not.  So I guess my little man is my motivation, more so than new clothes and a jogging stroller.  And hopefully I can motivate him growing up to be healthy too.

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine....

It is a momentous occasion.  It's not even 9 pm and my house is vacuumed, my laundry is done, the dishes are done.  Killian's had a bath, has been fed, was read a story, and is now sleeping.  Even my dog had a bath!  And now I'm sitting on my couch with a glass of red wine in my clean, quiet house.  My husband's next door at my parents' house watching the Bruins game, since we try to save money by not having cable.  And for the first time in a quite a while I feel like I can take a breath and relax.
I'm half way through my pediatric ER rotation.  It's not like I have a grueling schedule, but working 5pm to 1am is exhausting when you have a 10 month old who's decided that 5:30 is his new wake-up time.  Don't get me wrong, my husband's been great.  He gets up with him and feeds him and tries to keep him quiet so I can sleep in.  The problem is once I hear that he's up, I'm up and my mind's automatically thinking of him.  And then I feel guilty that my husband, who takes care of him while I'm at work, has gotten up so early.
The only good thing about my schedule right now is that I have the earlier part of the day to be with my two favorite guys.  Yesterday was gorgeous outside and we went for a walk through the rail trail in our town.  Then Killian and my husband got to take their first official swim in my parents newly-heated 80 degree pool (which he loved by the way).  I absolutely cherish days like that when I get to put school and other crap out of my mind and have fun with my family.  And believe me when I say it was difficult to get in my scrubs and head to the hospital at 5pm.
So in two weeks I will be done with this rotation and be on "vacation".  Though not technically a vacation since I'll be taking my boards in August and I have to manage to get a good study schedule while taking care of my baby.  And as anxious as I am about my boards and forcing myself to sit down and study, I'm still super excited for having most of the summer off.  I can't wait to play outside with my little guy, swim in the pool with him, and go out on the boat with my family.  I envision a summer full of bbq's (or mega-q's as my family calls them), having time to exercise, and actually having more time with my hubby.
Though I feel such a sense of relief that I have some time off this summer- on top of my six months I had off when Killian was born- I still can't help but feel saddened that I'm not graduating with my fellow classmates next week.  I keep seeing everyone post on facebook about how excited they are to be done and be called "Doctor" soon.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them and proud of them, but if I see one more post about graduation I might freak out!  I feel like I've been in school forever and I just wish I was done.  I'm sick of taking out student loans, studying, and trying to impress every doctor I work with.
The upside of it all is that I only have one more year left.  And unlike most med students, my fourth year is going to be a breeze (a cold one, though).  With two rotations out of the way, I'm going to have time off for boards and traveling for interviews, and most importantly time for my family.  And if I had to chose between graduating and being a doctor in 1 week versus having this adorable little boy, then the choice is easy.  I wouldn't trade where I am for anything in the world.

Happy "Mudder's" Day!

This past weekend I celebrated my first official mother's day.  When I was pregnant with Killian this time last year I had no idea what an amazing, wonderful experience it was going to be being a mom.  Even though my life has been so chaotic the past 10 months, I wouldn't change it for anything.  Every day is mother's day to me because I get to wake up to a smiling, happy baby boy who just makes my heart melt.


So to celebrate this wonderful holiday my family and I trekked down to Vermont to watch my husband participate in the Tough Mudder race.  What better gift than to watch your husband torture himself.  For those of you who don't know what the Tough Mudder is, I suggest you google it and watch some videos.  It's this insane 10 mile obstacle course designed by the British special forces, where you have to crawl under barbed wire, scale walls, crawl through mud-filled tunnels, and even get electrocuted.  I'm proud to say my husband and his team finished the race, and it only took him four hours!

For my mother's day gift, my husband signed me up for a 5k.  Now I know most mom's are probably appalled and think that anything less than a day of pampering and maybe some bling bling is complete crap on Mother's day, but I have to tell you that this is a pretty thoughtful gift.  I've been saying for quite some time that I want to run a 5k this summer.  I've been trying to train for it too by running at the gym (which hasn't been working out so well this past month).  The only thing is, I haven't actually made the commitment to find a local run and sign up, and I'm actually really glad my husband did the leg work for me.  And I'm happy to say that he'll be running right next to me :)

On a final note, I just want to wish all my mommy friends a belated Happy Mother's Day.  You all inspire me and have helped me to be the mom I am.  And a special Happy Mother's Day to my own mom, who has always been there for me and is also such a wonderful "Cici" to my son.

The Pediatric Patient

So I just got done with a month-long ER rotation.  The thing that's funny about emergency medicine, particularly in big city, is that about 75% of the patients are crazy and the other 25% are actually really sick.  You could waste some serious time just weeding out the sick ones that actually need help.  Not to mention it's a broken system of spending millions of dollars on unneeded tests and labs just so the doctor can cover their butt and not get sued.  Don't get me wrong, I saw a lot of great trauma cases and got to do some cool procedures, but for every one awesome case, you have about 50 "back pains".
Well this month I'm doing pediatric emergency medicine, which is a whole different world.  Because the thing about kids who come to the ER is that they really are sick.  Like a 5 year old child who could come in complaining of back pain.  Now you know they're not a drug-seeker nor do they have degenerative joint disease.  A five year old just doesn't get back pain, so you automatically think the worst: cancer, osteomyelitis, kidney stone.  You immediately start fearing for this child's life because you are responsible for finding out what's wrong, and the longer you take to do so, the worse the outcome.
But not every case is that scary.  I really enjoy the pedi ER because kids are walking disasters and I get to fix them up.  Whether it's remove a popcorn kernel from a little boys ear, suture up a kid's finger, remove a tick from a boy's penis (yikes!), or splint a 12 year old hockey player's broken hand.  You just never know what's going to come thru the door.  And the best part is, the majority of the time you have the power to help them.
My favorite moment so far on this rotation was lat night when a little boy thanked me.  He said, "You made me not scared anymore."  I seriously wanted to start crying right then and there.  That's exactly why I want to be a doctor.  Not because I'm always going to know the answer but because I want my patients to feel comfortable and be able to trust me.  That kid totally made my day.
So after a long night of taking care of other peoples kids, I came home at 1 am to take care of my own baby.  The poor little bugger who's on antibiotics for his third ear infection was up every half hour screaming in pain.  Ahhh... gas pains.  If you are a parent of an infant then you must be a pro at diagnosing gas pains. Baby screams, arches his back, and then lets out the loudest stinkiest farts.  Stupid antibiotics.  So we caved and brought him in bed with us- which I am totally opposed to, but make rare exceptions when he's sick and we're getting up fifty times a night to check on him.  He was under the impression it was playtime.  Needless to say it was a very sleepless night.
That's the thing about being a med student and a mom.... you're job is never done. You're always on the clock- and not getting paid a dime!

Jealousy

Jealousy stinks.  I find too often I let it control my life.  For instance, I've always been jealous of this one girl I used to be good friends with since like second grade.  I think it all stemmed from this time when a boy that I really liked (and who I was under the impression liked me back) ended up asking her to be his girlfriend after I introduced them.  And she of course said yes because when you're a 15 year old girl, you swoon over any guy who shows interest in you.  It was kind of a crappy thing for your friend to do to you, but whatever.  It was over a decade ago and the guy, who I later dated, turned out to be a complete jerk.

Anyways, I've convinced myself that that's the reason why I've always been jealous of her.  Because one day 12 years ago some dude thought she was better than me.  And for some reason I've always tortured myself by comparing myself to her.  It's dumb, I know.  Especially since we don't even talk anymore.  But the other day I saw on facebook that she's pregnant.  And I honestly was happy for her because being a mom is pretty amazing, and I know her and her husband are going to be wonderful parents.  But in full disclosure, the first thing that popped in my head was, "I bet she'll go back to being a size two the second that baby pops out."  I asked my husband if he thought I was crazy for thinking this, to which his reply was no.  I'll trust him on that one.

Then there's my cousin Chrissy who I've always thought was the prettiest girl ever since I was little.  We grew up together and she's four years older than me so I always got to have her awesome clothes when she didn't want them anymore.  She is my best friend and I love her to death, but she has always been thin and it makes me want to puke.  Seriously, this girl eats whatever she wants and when she puts on weight it only really goes to her already humungous boobs.  Her legs are to die for- she's one of those girls who actually look good in skinny jeans.  When I was pregnant we'd go shopping together and she was complaining about how she was "so fat" and needed to by a size bigger shorts or something.  I wanted to punch her.  I'm standing in Marshalls with a beach ball for a belly and my swollen cankles thinking I'd die to be as skinny as she is.  If she wasn't my cousin/best friend I'd probably hate her for being so beautiful.

It's oddly therapeutic putting it out there that I am such an insecure person.  I wish I could be more like my best friend Emily.  She is one of the most confident people I know.  When she goes on a date her fear isn't "Is he gonna like me?", it's "I hope he's as cute as his facebook picture or I'm out."  I'm laughing out loud right now just typing it.  Emily is one of those people who knows what she wants and goes for it.  She also knows she's hot shit and deserves a guy who treats her like gold.  Some may say she's "picky", but I think it's just that she's confident and respects herself enough to not settle for a guy who isn't good enough.  When she dresses up she owns it, she walks with the girl equivalent of a swagger.  She can talk to any guy and know that she has the upper hand.  And I have NEVER heard her say she was jealous of anybody.  Cause even if she is, she's not going to say it out loud and let it make her feel insecure.

So far I've made myself out to sound like I have no self-esteem whatsoever.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I know that I have what most people don't have and would kill for.  I have an amazing, loving, smart, funny, handsome (can't leave that one out!) husband.  I know I hit the jackpot with this one.  My friends tell me all the time that they're "jealous" that I have such a great guy.  I wish all my friends could be so lucky.  And of course I can't leave out my amazing little man, my son Killian.  I mean seriously, he's the cutest baby in the world, and he's pretty much been one of the easiest babies.  He started sleeping through the night at like 2 months and only ever fusses when he's sick.  Best baby ever.  I bet there's some moms I know who are totally jealous!

Maybe now that I've actually spoken out loud about my inner jealousy, I can finally let go of some of my insecurities.  I have a lot to be proud of (I'm going to be a doctor for crying out loud!), and a husband and baby I can literally brag about to my friends.  When it comes down to it, there's not a whole lot for me to jealous about other people for- except maybe that size two body, but I'm working on getting back to that!

So I Started a Blog....

The first words my husband said to me when I told him I was starting a blog was, "Well, there goes our sex life!"  Like we don't spend enough time on our computers already checking our facebook fifty times a day and then our email, then our other email account, and facebook again.  Our laptops have been the sole source of wasting time in this house.
Because after working an eight (sometimes 10) hour shift and taking care of our soon-to-be 10 month old, all you really want to do is relax.  And unfortunately I've been spending my "relaxation" time just looking at crap on my computer.  So why would I ever start a blog then?  Well, because maybe I can find some sanity by having an outlet to talk about whatever craziness is going on in my life.
If you didn't pick up the obvious-ness of the title of my blog, I am a mom and a fourth year medical student.  That's right!  One more year and I will be a doctor.  I still can't believe it myself.  I should've been graduating this month, but my husband and I had this crazy idea that it would be "easier" to have a baby while I was still in school.  So I took six months off and now I get to do my fourth year over a year and a half, which is actually pretty awesome.
I consider myself an unconventional medical student. Unlike most of my fellow medical students who spend 90% of their time hitting the books, I study whenever I find the time.  Ever since I started medical school I've always said that my family and friends will come first and school second.  Being a doctor is just my career and as much as I absolutely love doing it, it will not love me back.  My family is what will be here when I'm done and I refused to push them aside for four years.  Which is why I really didn't think much of it when my husband and I decided to plan a wedding right around the time I took my Step 1 boards, or when we said, "Hey, let's have a baby!" only a few short months after being married in the middle of my third year rotations.
As simple as I made this all sound, I have stacked my plate with way more than I thought I could ever chew.  Ok, that doesn't sound right.  I've bitten off more than I can chew.  Or did I? Let's see.... I haven't dropped out of school yet.  I've still managed to get pretty good grades actually.  My child is healthy, happy, and thriving.  My husband and I still have a rock-solid relationship (he is my BEST FRIEND).
The only thing is I'm stressed out of my mind!  If you ask any of my friend or family, they'll tell you that I'm of the "anxious" type.  I prefer the term "Type A Personality".  I feel the need for things to be perfect and when they're not I don't function well.  Right now I barely get enough sleep since I'm working 5pm to 1am shifts in a pediatric ER.  I struggle to find time to work out so I can lose that extra 10 pounds of baby weight.  And being a mother on top of it all just makes you a crazy person, always worrying about the well-being of your child (who now has yet another ear infection).
If you've read this much then you deserve a big THANK YOU.  I didn't start this blog because I consider myself that interesting of a person that I think hundreds of people need to read my story.  I just did it because I need a place to talk about my daily shenanigans and unload some of my anxiety.  And if some people relate or maybe even find it amusing, then bonus!  I certainly don't expect, like my husband is telling me right now, that I will have an article on Yahoo or go on the Today Show or end up with a book deal.  Though I do think it's sweet that he thinks that highly of me :)